(I started working on a post entitled "Tired of Being Tired", but then it kind of evolved into this one. I'll post the other at some point, but just know the relevant background information for this post here is that I am tired all the time.)
I've been exhausted for the past 5 or so days, so I haven't really paid attention to my surroundings. But today I looked at my house. I was disgusted. At myself, of course, not at the house. I mean, I tend to be surrounded by piles of clutter in general. That's the result of being a - albeit organized - packrat, without a real headquarters (ie office/ desk away from home) right now. Today, though, my house is one enormous clutter-pile, flowing from one room to the next. A quick inventory of the items surrounding me: An empty gift bag from my brothers' birthday party in January. An empty box in which my camera was shipped. Several clothing items that JP folded awaiting their trip into my dresser. A box of wheat thins. Rite-Aid and Wal-Mart bags stuffed with various random junk items. Dead flowers on the kitchen table. A pile of "papers" that I can't seem to get rid of. Dry laundry needing to be taken off the drying rack (and backs of the chairs) and put in the dresser or closet. Seemingly every clothing item I own, tossed and discarded on my dresser and the surrounding floor. It's a mess. There's no chicken bones or apple cores, at least. It's all clutter, not trash. But it's awful. And I didn't even list a third of it.
I say I love our house. I say we're blessed to have it. (We most certainly are.) But I'm sure not taking care of it. You wouldn't know I liked our house if you looked at it right now. You'd think I was classless, trashy, lazy, slovenly; thankless and ungrateful. So please don't come over right now. I'd like to at least maintain the image of myself as classy, clean, motivated. Anyway, I say I love our house, that I'm thankful for it. But, if we say we love something and we don't take care of it, do we really love it? If we say we value something, but we don't treat it well, do we really value it all that much? We either value and love something enough to take care of it and make it a priority, or we don't value and love it. I can rationalize and justify things pretty skillfully. "I'm just exhausted. I don't have any energy at all. I'm so tired I can hardly take care of myself, much less this house." But those are just excuses. A way to convince myself that there's just nothing I can do about it. That even though I'm not cleaning the house, or keeping it presentable, even though I'm not taking care of it at all, I still do value it very much. Well, it's one or the other. I either appreciate it and take care of it, or I don't appreciate it after all.
For me, right now, it's my house. Sometimes it's my health and my body. Sometimes it is other material possessions such as clothing (thrown carelessly on the floor), books (dusty or placed precariously near food or drinks), or my car (left trashy or junky). Sometimes, I am ashamed to admit, that "thing" I say I value and love but don't treat well enough is my husband, JP. I am guilty of not caring for, not valuing, not treating well, not placing enough emphasis on or making a priority many things in my life. I say I appreciate all the blessings in my life, but how well do I demonstrate my appreciation for all the things I've been given?
You have probably heard before, and I read recently "What if I awoke this morning with only the things for which I thanked God yesterday?" That really struck me when I read it. My mind also carried it a step farther. "What if I awoke this morning with only the things that I took good care of yesterday?" Because I can give lip service to it, but what about when the rubber hits the road? I can say "I'm so thankful for our house" and "I am so blessed to have a closet full of clothes" a million times a day. But if, in praxis, I am not making sure the carpets stay clean, and the furniture doesn't stay dusty or have food on it, or if I'm just throwing my clothes in a pile instead of carefully placing them where they belong, how can I say I value what I've been given? What if I did awake tomorrow to just the things for which I've lovingly cared today? Would I be surprised at what I no longer had?
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