Hello reader. How goes it with you? Thank you for stopping by today. I have something I'd like to share with you.
As usual, I will be doing a really, really long intro with a lot of detail to get around to a (in my humble opinion) pithy one-liner that is the reason I began the entry anyway. So, maybe I'll bold some important stuff so you can get right to the point, or maybe I will assume that you are interested enough to read through this and then never even make an actual point. We'll see. Regardless, sorry about all the detail. This post is about the things I have learned and the ways my life has been blessed over the past year of job searching. If you are interested in learning more about that, keep reading. If not, know that I have just said some mean things to you in my head.
You may not know that on March 15, 2011, I submitted a letter of resignation from my job as Assistant Director of Auxiliary Services at Elon University effective May 15, 2011. That was just my pretend last day, though. My real last day was May 13th, because May 15th is actually a Sunday. Yesterday, May 14th, was my one-year anniversary of not working.
Sometimes my life feels really surreal. I walk through the house during the day and feel like I'm living someone else's life. I mean, because I should be at work. I should be being responsible. Sometimes I feel strange or guilty that I'm not at work in the middle of the day. I feel like I'm playing hooky or something. Sometimes I get real startled and nervous because for a second I think I forgot to go to work. I really believed I would be re-employed by now, so it's just a strange, disorienting feeling to be home during the day and not have a job.
I want to share some things I have learned during the past year. I am not the kind of person who believes "such and such is happening because God is trying to teach me something". I think we should try to learn stuff from our situations and experiences, of course, but sometimes it's not GOD TRYING TO TEACH US A LESSON. Sometimes things happen as a natural result of our actions. I quit my job without having another job lined up. The natural consequence of doing that, especially in such an economy, is that it is taking me a while to find another job. I'm not saying God isn't teaching me stuff or there isn't a lesson to be learned, but I don't think there is a LESSON DIRECTLY FROM GOD in every single situation. Having said that, I do think there are a couple of things I have learned.
Lessons (and perhaps LESSONS) I have learned:
Lesson 1) Pride will get me every time I let it. It will convince me of some crazy things that I would not ordinarily consider of my own accord. What responsible adult who has a mortgage to pay, a wedding to pay for, bills to pay, etc. just quits her job with nothing lined up??? One whose pride has convinced her it's the best thing for her, that's who!!!
See, I quit my job for some valid reasons, but also because I am proud and arrogant, and expect a level of perfection out of people and situations that is not realistic. It was not a great job. It was not even a good job. It paid well, but it was definitely not the job that was presented to me when I interviewed and accepted the position. I mean, yeah, it had the same title. But the responsibilities I was told I would have were never given to me. I was underwhelmed to say the least. Within a week I knew if my responsibilities did not change, I would not be in that job long. Within a month I knew that no matter what I did, the responsibilities would not change. But, I also know how bad a short-term job can appear on the resume, and especially since my resume is not indicative of job longevity in any way, and since I had a mortgage to pay now, I resolved to stick with it. I was there just under 2 years.
So, how did my pride and arrogance lead to me quitting my job? For 8 years prior to that, I was entrusted with a lot of responsibility. Every several years, I looked for a position in which I would gain more and more responsibility. In my previous 3 positions, I was given additional responsibilities to fill staff vacancies. 2 years before I got the Auxiliary Services job at Elon, I was responsible for the entire Residence Life program on a campus with 4,200 campus residents. I supervised 10 professionals, indirectly supervised 120 part time staff members, worked with budgets of hundreds of thousands of dollars, and I had my own parking space. Oh, yeah. I was THAT important. I have a Bachelor's degree, a Master's degree, and have just one course remaining to complete before I have a post-Master's degree (Education Specialist). I am really something. See how my pride worked its way in there? When I got to Elon, my position was little more than an administrative assistant. Don't get me wrong, administrative assistants/ secretaries/ receptionists are significant, important people. I would argue, in fact, that you can find a good CEO more easily than you can find a good administrative assistant. That part of it was not pride, that was simple truth; my gifts and skills are not the gifts and skills that make a person successful in an administrative assistant role, and my understanding when I took the job was that I would be in a managerial position. I was told that it most certainly would not be an assistant to the director, or an administrative assistant position. But it was. So meanwhile, I'm filing papers and shredding and ordering office supplies and fetching things and "remember to put this on my calendar"-ing, and here comes the loud squeaky pride. "When I was at so-and-so, I had such and such level of responsibility. I'm too good for my current responsibilities". "I have almost have a POST MASTER'S DEGREE, how can I be expected to just sit around and answer phones all day". So forth and so on. I wanted a job that would bring me back to Elon and closer to my family, and I had it. It just wasn't the job I wanted.
I never dreamed a year later I would still be unemployed. That's pride right there, too. "With my skills and experience, how can it possibly take more than 3 months to find a job?" "I'm a great interviewer. I've never interviewed for a position that I really wanted where I haven't gotten a job offer." I was too sure of myself. Lots of people who are just as and more qualified than me have been out of work for longer. I'm no better or more special or more hire-able than they are. Why did I think I was more likely to secure something quickly than anyone else?
That's why it has been so wounded over this year, my pride, because it's so big and bulky and clunky and in the way. Every time I submitted an application and didn't get an interview, my pride responded, "ow, that stings". When I did get an interview and didn't get a further interview or didn't get the job, it was more like, "OUCH. THAT HURT". I even applied and first-round interviewed for a Residence Life position, a field in which I have 8 years of direct and 2 years of less-directly but still related experience. The position would have actually been more comparable to my next to last Residence Life position, and only required 4-7 years of experience. I knew the people with whom I was interviewing. I was sure I'd get an on-campus interview, because of those 2 things, and because it would have cost them nothing to bring me to campus. Did I get a second round interview though? Newp. Found out a couple of days ago that they have concluded the search process. Out of all the positions for which I have applied, that was the most sure thing (in terms of having previous experience and connections and all that). Pride wounded. Severely this time. I'm not even good enough at what I'm good at to get a job at it. How on earth can I get a job doing anything, if I can't get a job doing what I've been doing for the past 10 years?! Though, in a bit I'll say more about why my relief outweighed my wounded pride in this case.
Now, like I mentioned, I had valid reasons for resigning. Ultimately the position was not a good fit. It was never going to be a good fit. There were some other pretty significant things as well that I won't share here. But also, plain and simple, I was too big for my britches (my actual pants, not my cat of the same name). I was paid well, but I didn't want to get paid to answer phones and take messages. I didn't want to get paid to complete Purchasing paperwork and walk checks over to the Bursar's office. I wanted to get paid to be important and known and have authority. Not really. I just wanted a job where I had managerial responsibilities and my to-do list was full everyday. I don't think I made the wrong or a poor decision by quitting. But my pride was big and out of proportion as it often is.
Lesson learned. I need to spend more time working on humility and less/ no time fueling my pride.
Lesson 2) Sometimes God saves me from myself.
I mentioned above the Res Life position for which I applied. The position had been open since October. When I first saw it posted, I didn't even look at the job description because I knew there was no way I wanted to be in Residence Life and/ or Student Life at Elon. Fast forward to March. Unemployed for 10 months. Suddenly this position seemed like the greatest thing in the world. Here's why I left Res Life in the first place: a) Too many hours a week (I'm not talking like 50 or 55. I'm talking like 65 or 70), b) Lots of evening and weekend activities and responsibilities, c) On-call responsibilities, d) Dealing with rude, demanding pushy parents and students. I had identified some job responsibilities that I didn't want to do anymore, and had found jobs that did not involve those things. So what are some significant parts of this job for which I applied... a) Lots of work hours, b) Lots of evening and weekend stuff, c) On-call responsibilities, d) Dealing with rude, demanding pushy parents and students. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. But I so desperately wanted a job that I submitted my application. Psyched myself up. Told everyone why I was excited about the opportunity. Remained super excited until right after the phone interview. After that, I really, REALLY, really did not want the position. I prayed that if this wasn't the right position for me, I wouldn't even get a campus interview. God saved me from my self. I had deluded myself for a while, but God saved me from a train-wreck. I had a campus interview back in February at Wake Forest for an Academic Advisor position. The interview was awful. I didn't get the job. I would have been driving an hour and 20 minutes each way for this job. I thought I wanted the job, but God saved me from myself. Even a perfect, high-paying job is not worth 2 hours and 40 minutes of driving a day, especially not right at rush hour, right there where 40/85 hits 29/421/220. Nightmarish. Thank you God for saving me from myself.
LESSON 3) I can no longer just willy-nilly spontaneously do what I want to do "because I want to".
When I was 26, I needed a new car. Mine was falling apart. I decided that I had to have a Jeep. Jeeps are not only impractical in every way, but they are also somewhat expensive. But I had to have it, so I got a 6 year loan to get low enough monthly payments to be able to afford it. I knew it wasn't the absolute smartest, fiscally responsible decision, but I wanted that rough-riding, gas-guzzling Solar Yellow beauty. I checked my common sense at the door, held my breath, and signed the loan papers.
When I was 29, I had been in a job for 3 years and decided it was time to move on (the typical time period for one to be in this type of job). I had not yet secured another job, but I resigned from my job, packed up my stuff and moved home with my mom and dad for a couple of months. The next year I took a similar position and after a year knew I just couldn't do it anymore, so again I packed my stuff into storage and moved back into my bedroom at my parents' house for a couple of months. (Luckily, each time, within 3 months, I had found and was back into a new job. But that is obviously not the point.) I've always just sort of done what I wanted, regardless of any negative consequences (to myself AND/ or others).
It's one thing when it's just me. When I'm the only one who has to suffer or sacrifice or deal with it. Don't get me wrong, I consulted with JP, and he was (and is) very supportive of that decision. But he is also negatively impacted by my decision. Financially, emotionally; in every way I am affected by being unemployed for a year, so is he affected.
Sounds intuitive, I know. Anyone with common sense would know that it affects more than just me. But I really believed I could keep it from affecting him. That was before I understood how integrated every aspect of our lives are now that we are married. And that was a pretty important realization, I now understand. (I will say more about this in a later post.) Which is one of the reasons that I believe it was not a bad thing that I did go ahead and resign from my position. Because there was a consequential lesson to be learned that I may not have learned so quickly and poignantly (orrrr, at all since I am a bit dense) any other way.
Lesson 4) Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
I quit my job because I had to take care of myself. That is the overarching reason I quit. My job wasn't stressful, or intense, or busy. It wasn't hazardous or dangerous. But it was so not in line with my skills and gifts and experience and needs that there was no way I could stay in it longer. Yeah, I had financial responsibilities. No, JP isn't financially supporting me. Granted, he pays his whole mortgage, but that would be the case even if I did have a job, because I have a mortgage to pay as well. I have found, though, that the stress of wondering where the money is going to come from is way more manageable than the "stress" of my working situation. I stepped into unemployment expecting to take care of myself, yet have found that even in my preparation and confidence that I could handle my business, I needed God to take care of me.
I don't advise everyone who is dissatisfied in their job just up and leave. I certainly didn't up and leave. It took over a year of serious thought and contemplation and weighing alternatives and pros-and-cons before I took the step. I don't know if I'd do it the same if I had the chance to go back and redo that part of my life. I would surely be in a different place financially, but at what cost?
Lesson 5) There is always something (many things) for which I should thank God. I need to be more mindful of my blessings, both when life is going splendidly, and when it is not going all that great. (For the record, I consider my life to have been going just fine over the past year.) Check out my abridged list.
Blessings that I've experienced that I wouldn't have if I'd been working:
I was able to focus entirely on getting my parents' house and yard ready for the wedding, and taking care of final planning and details for the 2 weeks before the wedding
I got my entire house packed and moved after the honeymoon
I was able to do a lot of unpacking/ organizing/ merging 2 established households into 1 (I say some because we just both have too much stuff. I can't unpack anything else without getting rid of other stuff first. And getting rid of stuff is hard)
I can cook breakfast and dinner every day without feeling crunched for time
I can visit with my mom anytime I want (well, when she's available because that lady is busy, I tell you!) and my sister-in-law and niece
I have been able to relax and rest some, which was timely because I have had some fatigue problems for the past few years
I have been able to do a lot of soul-searching and thinking and orienting myself, in a more intense and real way than if I was doing it within the context of being employed
I can work out whenever I want during the day
I was able to help JP's brother-in-law Ryan and his dad paint Ryan and (JP's sister) Jacqueline's new house
I was able to visit my Aunt Pauline in October with my mom and her 2 cousins Patsy and Betsy
I was able to show my sister-in-law Kimberly support by going to her great aunt's funeral
I was able to go to my great aunt Pauline's funeral
We were able to go be there when Jacqueline had Gabrielle, and go back and visit the next day
I sponsor 2 kids in India through Compassion International. I pay 38$ each per month for them to get to go to school and church, 2 meals a day while they are at the Development Center, etc. A few months ago, one of the kids I sponsored aged out of the program. I received a letter from the organization that said "since you're no longer sponsoring M., we have selected a new kid for you to sponsor. To accept the sponsorship, simply return the attached card". What they should have actually said is "if you do not in some way indicate 'no', we will assume you want to sponsor Akkala Roshi" (that's my new kid's name). I logged onto my account one day for some reason, and saw that they were about to draft a payment for Akkala out of my account the very next day. $38 isn't much when you consider how much it provides these kids every day. But these days, $38 is a lot of money to me. My first thought was, "I better call them and tell them I just can't sponsor this kid right now". I thought that for about .5 milliseconds, before it occurred to me just how little these kids have. They live in poverty. They have one set of clothes that they wear until they can't wear it anymore. They sleep on a dirt floor. Their school probably doesn't have doors that close, and definitely is not climate-controlled. We (JP and I) have a roof over our heads, and another roof across town. We have 2 vehicles - newish, and in good condition. We eat 3 meals a day, and know if we are hungry between meals we can go to the overflowing fridge or pantry for a snack. We take showers in clean, hot water everyday. I have clothes in my closet that I never even wear. That .5 millisecond was all the time I needed to make the decision about keeping Akkala Roshi. I would sell my house and work at Target and stop buying groceries for a month before I'd let Akkala Roshi go another day without a sponsor.
If we take time to look, regardless of our situation and circumstances, we will see how abundantly God blesses us.
[If you ever happen to think about it, say a prayer for Iswarya Murugan (female, turned 13 last week!), Akkala Roshi (male, will turn 14 in August), Divya Barathi (female, is 16 now I think. she moved out of the program area a couple of years ago) and M. Sivachandran (male, recently turned 18 - I sponsored him for 11 years) and their families. The latter 2 are my former kids. I would appreciate your prayers for them, and know they would too.]
Lesson 6) God will always provide. God will work out situations in the best long-term way, and in the way that is actually the best for us, and sometimes things not being OK actually leads to a better outcome than we would have thought. For example, I haven't had to foreclose on my house because God has provided me the means to continue paying the mortgage. Thank you, God. But, if God had not provided me the financial means to do so, and I did have to foreclose, I would have to trust that both in the immediate and in the long-term, that was the best way God could provide for me. I would have to trust that there was a reason that foreclosure was better than God providing financially to pay for it. I mean, sure, it would be partly a natural consequence or result of my choice, but God provides for us even through our decisions.
LESSON 7) Here is one thing that I actually think may be/ have been a LESSON GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH ME. One reason I think this is because God has tried to teach me a similar lesson before. And I thought I learned it sorta, but here I am relearning it again. I also think it is a capital letter LESSON because when I realized this particular thing, a lot of stuff emotionally and mentally fell into place. It's pretty similar to lesson number 3, and involves this "me" or individual mentality.
I'm stubbornly independent. I am self-sufficient. That was one of the reasons I didn't want to get married. But I did get married. And I remained stubborn and head-strong and self-sufficient and independent. I handled my own responsibilities. Except one day I realized I'm not actually handling it by myself all that well, AND it's not just my own responsibility any more. I'm married now. JP is my life partner. He's my husband. Not only is it not my responsibility to handle it on my own, it actually has become important that I allow him to help me handle things. It came to me all in one quick, immediate burst of knowledge and emotion. It is not fair to my husband or to myself for me to not rely on him. That provided a lot of mental clarity and emotional relief. (I will expand upon this much more in a post I plan to do later called "How I Made my First Year of Marriage Suck" or maybe "How I Almost Ended My Marriage Before it Really Got Going". We'll see.)
Lesson 8) Your future is as secure as mine.
That is to say, it is not. You could go in to work tomorrow and find out you've lost your job for whatever reason. Your car could break down and need a major repair, or be irreparable requiring you to buy a new car. You could get home from work today and find that someone broke in and stole all of your valuables. Your house could burn down. (I pray against your house burning down in the name of JESUS!) I say all this not to highlight the potential tragedies that could befall you. I say all this to highlight that tomorrow is not a guarantee. Not for me, who is unemployed; or you, who is (are? neither sounds right in this sentence) employed. No aspect of tomorrow is a guarantee. Finances, friendships, health, life. None of it. Everything about our lives is tenuous. Everything about our lives is delicate. I have to not trust in the future. My bank account. My possessions. My car. Even my alarm clock. The one thing I do hope I can count on is our heating and cooling unit because we just bought it in October, and it has a 2-year replacement warranty. The only thing I can trust in and count on beyond that is God.
FYI, for people who find themselves in a similar situation (35, unhappy in a job, about to get married), here is just a bit of unsolicited advice for you:
1) It may not always be a great idea to quit a job right before a 20,000$ wedding when you and your husband have 2 mortgages and some debt as well as life expenses to pay, but sometimes it is better than staying.
2) It may not be a great idea to make a whole ton of stress-inducing, major life-changing events all in one month. For example, quitting your job, getting married, moving out of your house, etc. all in a one month period.
I will address both of these topics in the later "How I Made My First Year of Marriage Suck" post. Check back later for some stuff I have specifically learned in my almost one-year marriage.
I have learned a lot about myself, and God, and being married during this time. Half the time I am doubtful that I did the right thing and regretful about quitting. The other half of the time I am sure that I made the right decision. All the time I am grateful for this past year I have had with no work responsibilities. All the time I am prayerful that God will lead me (quickly) to a new job. And I am thankful that God has allowed me to see these lessons in all this, and hopeful that I will get them this time around.
Recently I have had a lot of time to think and reflect, and felt like I had some things to share about life. I posted these thoughts on this blog, as you can see. 
